As I lay with my back to the floor, attempting to digress into the inner recesses of the minute minds of fairies (yes, psycho-analyzing fairies is how I like to spend Sunday afternoons), I couldn’t help but notice that the light fixture hanging directly above my head had three different wattages of bulbs. Occupying the three slots with which to screw the light bulbs in were a 100 watt, a 60 watt, and a 40 watt. I found it rather fascinating that this structure could still function with such contrasting forces contributing to it. It wasn’t ideal, but it could still operate.
Or maybe not so strange? The things I choose to exert my brain energy on, I swear…
Yes, there is a metaphor coming. A rather weak one, but this is what it made me think of:
I am the light fixture! Friends are the bulbs of different wattage. It seems to me that there are friends of mine that contribute in many different ways to my operating properly (if you can even say that I do so). Yes, there are weaker ones, and there are stronger ones. I have 100 watt friends that have and will continue to be my supportive constants for as long as I live. Or so it seems now. Then I have the seemingly 100-watters than turn out to be 60s or 40s. They still contribute, but on a more superficial level. They offer entertainment and escapes from the stress that life can pile on, but when the real meat and potatoes of life reign down and you need a shoulder to lean on, the 60s and 40s aren’t as readily available.
However, this kind of escape is necessary sometimes. You do need silly distractions every once and a while, just to keep you sane.
The real gems are the ones who offer all of this. Very rare indeed.
Now, of course my rather flimsy little metaphor falls short when you apply the fact that a light fixture with all 100 watt bulbs are very rare to come by, because in all reality it’s not that rare to see a light fixture with all the same wattages of bulbs (however, maybe it is rare to find all 100s!)
Anyway, I’ll be done with that. I was just thinking about the supports I have in my life. I have many incredibly wonderful ones. I am blessed. Even one 100 watter would be enough to sustain me, I think. And for the longest time I thought I didn’t even need that. I thought I could handle everything on my own. But the weight of having to operate a light fixture with no bulbs is rather difficult.
Ok, done now, I promise. I realized I am a very odd combination of things. I don’t think I could define myself even if I tried. I’ve always been a free spirit-type, but I’ve always been a behind-the-scenes sort, also. I’ve always been fascinated by things like forests, fairies, exploring, trees, stars, maps, people, nature, movies, and the list goes on. I am a hopeless romantic. I want to do SO many things I couldn’t even begin to write them all down. But what do I do? How can I balance all the things that I have a burning in my heart to do? I feel like I have so much passion for so many things in life, I don’t know how I could possibly do it all without burning myself out by the time I’m 30.
However, the thought of burning myself out that way sounds pretty amazing. I want to do everything! But can I? I really don’t know. I really have no idea what God has in store for me. I feel like he’s placed so much fire in my heart that I have no idea what he’s going to do with all of it. I guess that’s part of the fun…finding out. But sometimes it seems anything but fun. Sometimes I think, "God, why did you put this passion in me if you’re not going to do anything with it?" Why would you make me part with something that seems so much a part of me? I guess I can’t call any shots yet.
My mom was saying over the weekend that we can’t strive to be better people. At first this made no sense to me. Aren’t we supposed to strive to me more Christ-like? And wouldn’t that mean striving to be a better person? She went on to say that we cannot strive to be better people, but only seek God in everything. There’s nothing we can do to make ourselves better people. Ultimately all we can do is try and follow Christ and the path we feel He’s leading us down. However, this doesn’t mean we do nothing and expect God to physically move us in the right direction. We do have to be seeking. I’m still not quite sure I understand how this doesn’t involve striving to better ourselves by seeking Christ. Any insight, anyone?
Anyway, I suppose what I’m trying to tell myself is that in the midst of confusion as to the path God is leading me down, I should I try and understand it or just follow? I think, in my case, I need to lean more towards just following. It’s so hard sometimes, though. I hate being confused because a) it means I can’t figure something out and b) it means that I’m not trusting it to God, because I’m trying to figure it out. And when everything around me seems to be screaming one thing, and then God turns around and seems to tell me something completely different, that’s when I get confused.
I keep coming back to the same thing: seek God in His Word and praying for wisdom and guidance. *sigh*. And seek support and counsel and from my 100-watters;).
I think maybe one of the reasons for my liking so many different things, is God making it easy for me to be content. I know I want a family, but there are still so many things I can do within that. Some things I struggle to see how I can still have, but maybe I'm not supposed to. We'll see.