Friday, August 1, 2008

...where I left off

Wow, it's been a while. I've tried several times over the summer to come back and pick up where I left off, but it would be an understatement to say that "where I left off" was a downer.

Sometimes writing is therapuetic, and sometimes it just isn't. And sometimes timing is everything. I don't know why I chose now to actually write something here, but here I am, so I may as well:)

What a strange summer it's been, on so many levels. At the end of the school year, I wanted nothing more than to leave school and get home. I wanted nothing more than to be away from school and with my family. School, towards then end of the year, grew to embody nothing but bad memories and I just didn't want to be there. Little did I know how much more home would bring out those memories, but I least I've had my family along with me.

So yes, summer has been a strange one. Apart from trying to adjust, or whatever the word is, to life without the little princess, that has had an impact on everything else. Everything. I discovered that I am bad at separation. I was told by a friend once that I take on the burdens of my friends instead of helping them when they need it and then living my life. I can't separate their problems from my own life. And it gets heavy after awhile. I also discovered that some people in my family can separate. I didn't even know it was possible. In talking to them about how they deal with things, they're just able to.

I cannot separate having lost my sister from ANYTHING. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it sure makes it harder. Basically, if anything, I suppose this summer has revealed a lot to me about not only myself, but so many people around me and just how incredible they are, and how lucky I am to have them in my life. And also, the how incredible the ones I don't have anymore were. And also, (forgive me if I sound cliche') my relationship with God is more defined than it ever has been. I was kind of forced to come face to face with him and REALLY talk to Him. Sometimes its good, sometimes not so good, but at least I know where I am, well, sort of:). God has always been a part of my life just as much anytime as He is now, I guess you could say I just have more to talk about, or argue about, or whatever it happens to be. I guess the bottom line is, He is there.

So, I'm probably going back to Dordt in a few weeks (the whole "probably" part is another story all it's own), and I'm a little worried about how that's going to play out. Part of me just wants to dive into it just so I can get this part of "healing", as it's been called by some, out of the way and started. I know so much is going to flood back to me when I go back, but I do want to go back. Another part of me wants to hold off as long as I can:). But that never seems to be the best option;)

So, that's my first post back in however long ago the last one was:). Not much, but it's a start. Thanks for listening.


Anna said...

I love you, Laura, and I'm praying for you and your family!

Katie said...

I love you too, Laura - keep us updated! You should post all the fun adventures that you have with Emily and Amanda next week.